Epiphany Part III: Moving On

To recap my rambling journey thus far, please click the links below:

Epiphany Part I: The Accident
Epiphany Part II: The Aftermath

So, for those of you that have been following my story thus far--you know I pretty much crumbled after my accident, right?

Right.

So what was it that finally helped me out of the deep dark hole I found myself in?

It was this:

To most people (even my husband) this sticker wasn't significant at all.

But it wasn't for them. It was for me.

It meant something TO ME.

And finding it there, on the dash of my totaled car at the tow-lot, days after the accident, was HUGE.

It was a sticker from a Christmas Eve service I went to at church the year before. I kept it under a pile of CD's in my truck, mostly because that's where it landed on my way home from the service. I didn't intentionally carry that sticker around with me. Like most car clutter, it was just there in the pile of random things that had accumulated over the years.

Until now.

The CD's, sunglasses (my favorite pair) and other miscellaneous items were strewn and broken all over the car. I found pieces in every floorboard, both the driver's and the passenger's, both front and back seats. Yet here was this sticker, light as a feather, lying perfectly on the dash for me to find as I gathered my things and said goodbye to a car who was pretty much like family.

My mouth dropped open and a weight lifted off my chest. Then and there, I gave up the burden I'd been carrying around.

You see, I don't believe in coincidences. And though the police officer at the accident scene told me how lucky we all were to walk away, for the control freak inside of me, I still needed closure. I fully believed them, knew I'd been lucky, but I still needed something else. Part of me needed to know that I was going to be okay, that I would get past this. And just as reality around me crumbled, this tiny little significant thing was what I needed to be reminded of.

Trust Love's Heart.

I knew where it came from and what it meant to me. Only me. It might not make sense to anyone else and that's okay. For me, just seeing it there on my dash was a sign that it was time to heal, it was time to move on, to be okay.

Now this sticker rides around in my new car with me as a constant reminder that we're only truly alone if we choose to be. And not just in a religious way either. We're surrounded by loved ones, but it's our choice whether or not we let them in, whether we choose to be loved or to love in return.

Love is always the path to healing.

In the mail!

 

Guess what came in the mail today?!?

BOOKS!!!

New shiny unread ones.

That's right. I finally widdled my To-Read pile down to an acceptable size to replenish! (A fact that obviously makes me WAY too happy.)

CHECK THEM OUT!

Read any of them?

Epiphany Part II: The aftermath

So if you missed it last week, you can click here to read Part I of this series, which I refer to as "The Accident".

Each Monday I'll be sharing with you a Kristi ramble about everything I went through and the things I've learned, so I hope you'll join me on my rambling journey!

The Aftermath: What I never expected from the accident was the emotional effect it would have on me in the days to come, the impact and control it would have over my life.

I remember snuggling up to my husband when we finally arrived home the night of the accident, with only hours to sleep before we needed to be up. I sobbed uncontrollably--the shaking your whole body type of crying that leaves you, you would think, worn out. Not me. I cried myself into non-sleep.

For those of you that are new to the blog or don't already know--I am a self admitted control freak. It comes with insane and obsessive characteristics that show themselves at the strangest of times. Like then. I couldn't shut my brain off. It replayed the scene over and over, trying to make sense of it all. The dangerous what-ifs that I tried not to think about ran through my mind anyway. After two hours and some seriously puffy eyes, I got up and took some Nyquil in an effort to get a few hours before the wedding.

At this point, I thought the emotional journey was over. That I'd gone through the bout of emotion that was probably normal for the circumstances and I'd be moving on.

I was wrong.

The wedding was fantastic. It was gorgeous and happy and everything a wedding should be, with the best of family and friends. The accident was a distant memory, out of sight and out of mind.

What I wouldn't realize until later was that it was just a momentary distraction.

Once my Dad and sister were gone and my husband was at work, I found myself alone with my thoughts, just myself and my son and an obsessively clean house. I did everything I could to distract myself but it wasn't enough. I broke down. Bad. More sobbing, chest heaving tears that I couldn't control. My mother got a spastic phone call. I hated myself. I was stronger than this, independent. I didn't understand why I couldn't just get past it and move on.

Epiphany #2 ~ Not everything is controllable.

The accident happened on a Friday night but it would be Monday afternoon before I'd get just what I needed to be able to move on and put it all behind me, but that's next week's ramble, titled "Moving on".

What about you? Are you a control freak too? Ever had anything that made you feel weak and insignificant, even if it didn't make sense?

Wednesday Book Recommendation!

Forever by Maggie Stiefvater

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

The thrilling conclusion to #1 bestselling Shiver trilogy from Maggie Stievater


In Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver, Grace and Sam found each other. In Linger, they fought to be together. Now, in Forever, the stakes are even higher than before. Wolves are being hunted. Lives are being threatened. And love is harder and harder to hold on to as death comes closing in.

My thoughts:
Wow. Just finished reading this one last night and it's easily my favorite book in the series. I don't know what Maggie's original version was like (according to her she trashed it and started over), but after reading this, I'm convinced she must have made the right call.

I wouldn't change a thing about this book. NOTHING.

For me, there was enough doubt throughout about how things would go down and what would happen in the end, that it was anything but predictable. I felt like I was on the edge of my seat, scared to death, barely breathing, as the final pages unfolded. It was reading bliss.

And the transitions between characters and POV's was excellent, seemingly effortless. It can't be easy to keep the story moving forward with four main characters to juggle, but she did it so well that it was never distracting and the book wouldn't have been the same without them all.

In fact, I'm secretly hoping (ok not so secret anymore) for an Isabel/Cole St. Clair companion novel! After reading this book, it's all I can think about. The depth of their flawed characters was completely engrossing and watching them develop was one of the main highlights of this book for me.

All in all, one of my favorite books of the year!

View all my reviews

Epiphany #1 (In which I ramble...ALOT!)

This is a post I've been thinking about writing for quite a while, but there are SO MANY things that I want to say, so much I've learned over the last few weeks that I want to share, that the thought of writing it all down in one post became too daunting.

READ: I was afraid of boring you all to tears.

So I've decided to break up the mental and philosophical journey I've been on for the last few weeks into weekly posts for however long it takes. I'm hoping you'll come along for the ramble!

There's only one place to begin, with this:

THE ACCIDENT

What happened:
The weekend of my sister's wedding, my dad and half sister were in town from Oklahoma staying with us. We'd gone to rehearsal, practiced our duties for the next day's events, eaten some seriously tasty food, and were headed home (about an hour and a half drive).

My husband and I drove separately because my sister and I were bridesmaids and needed to be there early, so hubs, my dad, and my toddler rode to the rehearsal in a separate car. When it came time to go home, my dad and I hadn't caught up much or had time to talk, so he debated and ended up riding with me, along with my son and sister, leaving my husband following us in his car, alone.

We were on the highway, slowing down for construction traffic when it happened. My first thought was that a train had hit us. It was the only thing that made sense. One minute we were talking casually, slowing down, and the next we were thrown sideways and the sound of loud booms was in our ears.

My baby (toddler but will always be a baby to me) was in the backseat. I can't tell you what a scary thought that is and how, even now, it causes me to feel nauseous and panic. It was one of the scariest things I've ever been through and there are so many things I'm thankful for when I look back at that night.

A few ambulance trips later, we all arrived home from the hospital around five in the morning, without my car, and with only a few hours before we needed to head to my sister's wedding. It was chaos.

Those that have been following my blog for awhile probably know of the funk I'd been in, the one that creeped up and just wouldn't go away. Things (I thought) had started looking up, settling down, getting back to normal. And then this.

I don't know about you, but

Epiphany #1 ~ I don't believe in coincidences.

Meaning: Everything happens for a reason.

This freak accident has definitely been proof of that, and if you stick with me each week, I'll fill you in on why.

Nothing in life is guaranteed. It's a fact that most of us would like to ignore, one that is too scary to really think about, but from time to time it's good to remember.

So hug those closest to you today and let them know how much you care.